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Monday, January 26, 2015

Splitting the Fence on DeflateGate

The CHB hates the Yankees. He has to, right? If not for the Yankees, there's no Bambino, no curse, and -- most important -- no book sales for Dan Shaughnessy. How else do you spend some 20 years locked in a weird obsession over everything you think is wrong with the Red Sox if you don't have a personal interest in the outcome.

But does he really hate them, or just envy them? You can't do both: it's illogical.

With the Patriots owning the NFL for the better part of 15 years, the shoe's on the other foot. The so-called haters come out, tired of being outsmarted and outplayed by the Pats year after year. And like the Yankees, other teams' garbage has a way of turning into Patriot gold (see Moss, Randy; Dillon, Corey; etc.).

So cue the hyperbole!

And here it is! "In the last week, the Patriots have emerged as perhaps the most polarizing team in the history of American sports. They are loved and revered at home, perceived as cheaters almost everywhere else."

Really? More polarizing than the Bill Laimbeer-led Detroit Pistons? More hated that any of the Billy Martin/Reggie Jackson New York Yankees teams? More reviled that the Oakland Raiders featuring the headhunting Jack Tatum?

And that's just the pros. Ever heard of Notre Dame football? How about the 1947 Brooklyn Dodgers, which as an unfortunate consequence of America's problematic racist past probably set the polarization bar higher than any other team will ever match.*

No one outside New England hates the Patriots. There's an opportunity to pile on, perhaps, and they are taking advantage of it. But you can't hate the Patriots and envy them too.

Still, Shank's on a role, and we must humor him.

"Only the Patriots," he writes, "could work in a world in which a portion of folks think New England is unfairly targeted by folks jealous of their success, while other critics believe the unholy alliance between [Patriots owner Robert] Kraft and [NFL commissioner Roger] Goodell will produce a bag-job investigation on a par with the much-mocked Mueller Report."

Well, no. The two things are not mutually exclusive. One need only look to The CHB, who has been front and center playing the contrarian card for years. When the Patriots break off a run of six straight AFC East titles, who writes column after column diminishing their competition? Who has written that "Kraft spent September sucking up to Goodell in the commissioner’s time of need"?

Is it hate? Is it envy? Did they cheat? Did they not? No matter the issue, The CHB can't parse the difference. Careful there, Danny Boy. When you come down on both sides of the fence simultaneously, you're going to split those vintage pants.



*Given Shaughnessy's own problems with all things non-white, you'd think he would have come up with this one.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

DeflateGate, Cont'd

Shank continues to pile on with the most recent controversy with the New England Patriots:





That would mean ESPN is contradicting itself to some degree, and you might want to discount those opinions or ignore them altogether? Just trying to help here!

Conveniently ignored by Shank, naturally, are opposing / contra opinions, Like Aaron Rodgers preferring an overinflated football and as noted in the headline, likes to push the limit, and Brad Johnson admitting to doctoring footballs in Super Bowl XXXVIII. On the other hand, we have some overreacting douchebags comparing this to the use of PED's or calling for the outright disqualification of the Patriots from the Super Bowl. There's even Vegas-like odds on whether Belichick gets suspended for the upcoming game.

Hopefully there's a currently written sanction for this violation, and that the NFL apply it with dispatch so the circus can leave town.

Shank's Huffing Leaves Readers Deflated

Leave it to Shank to take the tiniest infraction and, well, blow it up.

For those who have been off the planet the last few days, apparently there's a bunch of footballs that are shy a little bit of air. So what? As The CHB says, "[I]t didn’t matter in Sunday’s game" pitting the sky-high Patriots against the, ahem, deflated Colts.

If that's the case, when why all the fuss? We need only hold our breath until the next line to have that explained to us:

"But what about all the other games?" The CHB hyperventilates. "If the Patriots are cheating, are they not cheating systematically?"

Obviously, right? Let's just jump to the conclusion, damn the smoking balls.

Take a breath, Dan.

But wait a minute. Isn't the Patriots schedule filled with "tomato cans?" Weren't the Patsies playing patsies? That's what The CHB has led us to believe this past season (actually, not to get long-winded about it, but he's been huffing and puffing about that for the better part of a decade).

Everybody exhale. Like a fart in the wind, this too, shall, pass.




Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Timing Is Everything

When is Shank going to mount his Shetland Pony and tear New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick a new asshole for the evolving Ballghazi story? Hell, he doesn't have to resort to rumor and innuendo like his last major hatchet job on Belichick.

Get busy!

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Seeing Red

The Patriots are winning, and while taking the AFC East was hardly unexpected, making it to the AFC Championship (and now, to the Super Bowl) certainly wasn't high on most preseason prognostications.

And no one loves the hard-working underdog more than Shank, who for some reason still believes (his impression of what makes up) a good attitude is a more important ingredient for success than, say, talent.

So in today's piece Bill Belichick, blessed with both smarts and an abundance of Tom Brady, the best quarterback of his generation, is compared to Red Auerbach, who coached in an era where it was not unusual to substitute one future Hall of Famer for another. In The CHB's words, the two coaches are "brothers of the whistle and clipboard."

Yikes.

Butchered metaphor aside, The CHB is now praising the Patriots coach for "more than just being smarter than everybody else and winning the mind games," noting Belichick's lack of sentimentality, hyper-focus, and, oh yeah, propensity for winning.

All of which begs the question, if winning is so important -- which, by the way, is why Shaughnessy is feting Belichick -- why has The CHB chosen to write piece after piece droning on over such red herrings (get it?) as coin flips, (not) talking to the media, and wardrobes?

Like The CHB, it's simple, really.

Because. He. Doesn't. Know. Sports.

Friday, January 16, 2015

These Are Not The Experts You're Looking For

It's apparent now that Shank has successfully leveraged Twitter to deploy trolling Jedi mind tricks:

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XXV

The Duke basketball team has lost two games in a row. Here's a genius Boston Globe writer with an incisive headline on the Duke at Louisville game being played tomorrow:
To end losing skid, Duke must win at Louisville
Thanks, Einstien, for clarifying that issue for us!

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Second Verse, Same As The First

To the fans of the Indianpolis Colts as well as to our fellow bloggers and sportswriters in the Indianpolis area:

DO NOT FALL FOR THIS CRAP FROM DAN SHAUGHNESSY.

We at Dan Shaughnessy Watch have been waiting for this column for four days. The sun will rise, the sun will set, and when the Patriots are in the playoffs, Shank will write a column designed to piss off as many people as possible. And today, he delivers once again.

Feel free to scroll down to other recent Dan Shaughnessy Watch posts, where we've documented this fourth-degree black belt in trolling, which he's successfully developed in his thirty-three year career at the Boston Globe, and how he successfully trolled all of you in the past. More on that in a moment while we sample today's wares:
We respect the Indianapolis Colts. They’re a solid organization with a smart, classy coach and one of the finest young quarterbacks in NFL history. The Colts have great helmets, and they play in a beautiful indoor stadium in the heart of one of America’s most underrated cities. They pummeled the vaunted Broncos, in Denver, to qualify for the AFC Championship game.

There. So much for the compulsories.
So, he's bullshitting you right off the bat - Clue #1...
Now let’s get it over with and say what everyone, everywhere in football America is saying and/or thinking.
He's lying to you again - Clue #2...
Sorry. I know the fanboys don’t like to hear this and I will be accused of recycling thoughts from previous years (when the themes change, the thoughts will change, promise), but everybody who is remotely paying attention knows what is going to happen.
This is not an accusation - it is well established, irrrefutable fact - Clue #3...

Also note that comments to this perennial shit-stirring column are closed, which has been happening with greater frequency in the past few weeks and months - Clue #4...
...

Coach Hoodie recognizes the demon of overconfidence.
And Shank's going the other way on purpose, just to piss you off. Don't bite on it. If you'd like, you can drop him a quick e-mail and tell him to fuck off go pound sand, asshole tell him how much you appreciate his thoughts.

Douchebag Alert - IV

A few weels ago, we opined, in part (emphasis added):
Contrary to Shank's propaganda, some of us 'blogboys' who don't live in mom's basement have jobs & mortgages and shit, so we don't have time to savor the finer things in life, like the barrel of fish that his feed provides.
And how right we were:
This blogger took it seriously to start out with; after all, I'm a numbers guy, although not necessarily in probability. That said, I'm guessing by 'odds', Shank means X to 1, with a high X number indicating the increased improbability of an event occurring. With seventeen flips, an average of 8.5 flips one way or the other would mean 1:1 probability, or break-even. If you want to figure 13 successful flips, you'd need to come out ahead on 4.5 of those 'average' flips, and from there you just need to apply exponential math, or 24.5 = 22.63 to 1 odds of hitting Shank's mark.

If I'm wrong on this, I'd appreciate some feedback on the correct approach.

And you know what? All that work, right or wrong, was wasted, thanks to twitter responder Derek Silva:
Silly Dan... Smart people don't follow you.
Aaaand... thread over!

UPDATE, 12:45 AM Yeah, I know he's trolling with that overwrought 'coin toss and defer' schtick, but I thought it was necessary to respond in this manner to insure his exclusion from any MENSA discussions or memberships, in that rare, rare chance they occur.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XXIV

Here's to you, Mr. Boston Globe tried and failed to pass a political hit piece off as a news item with half-assed corrections writer guy!

UPDATE, 1/15/2015, 4:45 PM: Mr. Boston Globe writer guy gets shitcanned - Ha-ha!

Douchebag Alert - III

While we eagerly await Shank's next Globe column, presumably on the upcoming Patriots / Colts game, he continues to make an ass out of himself on Twitter:

Or maybe that's what he wants us to think!

Then again, Steve Buckley (via Boston Sports Media Watch) is saying the same thing, but Buckley is not a world class genius troll like the CHB.